What to do/to say when someone has suffered a miscarriage

I am fortunate that I have some of the best family and friends a girl could ask for, and they all have been extremely kind and supportive over the past three years of dealing with our recurrent miscarriages.  They tend to provide me words of comfort when I’m struggling and also provide warmth during our times of loss.

Now I know that my support system isn’t the same as everyone else, and I do know that some times people don’t know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage.  If you’ve never gone through a loss like this, it can be challenging to find the most helpful words to share.   Please know that like any death, those dealing with miscarriages spend time grieving – we are not only grieving the loss of our baby, but grieving the loss of our hopes and dreams for our future child.  Even though you may not know what that feels like, it is important to validate your friend/sibling/child’s experience and loss when they are going through a miscarriage.  You may not understand their pain, but offering your support can go a long way.

So here is a quick list of what I think are helpful things to say to someone who is going through a miscarriage, recurrent losses, or infertility:

• “I’m sorry for your loss.” (I will say this is the most comforting for me; it validates that I did suffer a loss and helps give me permission to grieve.)
• “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
• “This sucks.”

Here are some not so helpful things people say:

• “At least you can get pregnant.”
• “Just relax and it will happen.”
• “Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”
• saying nothing at all and simply ignoring the reality of miscarriage

The Miscarriage Association has a great page and social media campaign called “Simply say” which give more resources and examples of how to be a supportive friend or family member to someone going through miscarriage.  I also really like Resolve.org’s page “For Friends and Family” – it provides a list of “infertility etiquette” and dispels common myths about infertility.

Throughout the past three years and five miscarriages, my parents, cousins, and close friends have sent cards, flowers and gifts of comfort.  None of them have ever made me feel burdensome or weak – they have provided me with deep comfort and strength.  And I have kept each gift we’ve received.  My support system rocks.

Cards from my parents and boss after our first loss

Flowers & notes from our miscarriage in April 2017

From my cousins after our 3rd loss in September 2015

A note & gift from our cousins during our due date of our 5th loss