As I sat down to write today, I noticed that my final blog post before my divorce was about hope. When I wrote that post two years ago, hope meant something different to me as my focus was on building a family with my then-husband. We had endured years of infertility and loss, and gone through experiences that ripped hope from our lives. But then, and now, I have remained hopeful. And hope has taken on new light and an expanded meaning for me.
Today marks the start of the traditional Advent season, which is said to be a season of hope and waiting. When I think of something as being a “season”, I usually understand that there is a beginning and an end to a designated time frame. Like Advent is a specific 4-week proclamation of expectation. It begins today and ends on Christmas. Start. End. Each of our weather seasons begin and end on specific dates each year. But most of life’s experiences don’t have a perfect timeline.
If I had had it my way, my life would have fit the socially accepted timeline jingle of “first comes love, then (5 years later) comes marriage, then comes a baby (2 years later), in a baby carriage”. My remix of life has gone something like “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes infertility followed by divorce”. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. But it’s real and it’s my life. And I’m honestly thankful for it.
Most of the time I try to remain hopeful. As I’ve learned from my dear friend Hallie (and my YA crew at Village), hope grounds us. Hope lives in the suffering. And so do I. I live in my suffering and try to learn from it daily. Suffering and hope are like my new best friends, and I don’t hate that. Kinda reminds me of Joy and Sadness from Disney’s “Inside Out” (which is hands down my favorite movie of all time). We need both joy and sadness, suffering and hope, to grow and to face life. And that is a lesson that I’ve come to learn multiple times over the last several years.
I know that all of us are going through something, whether it’s infertility, divorce, job loss, health concerns, etc. Suffering is a constant in the world, but so is hope. When I think about my hope, it is a general feeling and has become a fundamental piece of my life. I try not to hope for specific outcomes and timelines like “I hope to have a new husband and a baby in 1.5 years” because all of that, as I have come to learn, is out of my control (see life remix mentioned above). I try to be hopeful for the future and for the plan God has for me. That keeps me going. That keeps me grounded in the now.
I have hope for what tomorrow brings. I have hope for today, too. And I have hope for YOU, too. Today’s suffering may be hard, but the hope for tomorrow will carry you forward. It will help you press on.
Pressing On 