Going through infertility and miscarriage can sometimes feel very lonely. Typically people don’t talk about their struggles or losses, which in turn creates this taboo topic and makes you feel like you are alone. But the truth is that if you are walking the path of infertility or miscarriage, please know that you are not alone.
Check out these stats:
- According to Resolve (the National Infertility Association) 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy.
- Furthermore, up to 25% of all pregnancies will result in miscarriage (American Pregnancy Association).
Let those number sink in. And like woah – those are some pretty high statistics. Whether those stats provide comfort or fear, infertility and miscarriage are more common than society typically knows or talks about.
When we first begin having miscarriages, my main support system was my husband, parents, boss, cousin and closest friends. My husband was experiencing the losses right beside me and we relied (still do) on each other for physical and emotional support. My parents were there from the beginning to always give their love for whatever came next. I remember after the 3rd or 4th miscarriage I was talking to my parents on the phone, just crying over this continued pattern of loss. My dad told me “It’s ok sweetie. It will happen when the time is ready.” And that was so comforting to me. It gave me no pressure, just optimistic and unconditional support from my parents. My boss has always encouraged work/life balance and caring for her staff beyond just getting the job done between 8am-5pm. I can’t tell you how many mornings I would come in and just need to sit with her and cry before beginning my work day. She provided a space for me to be myself and that helped me focus on the bigger picture of life and not feel so much pressure at work. My cousin is one of my best friends, and so happens to be a labor/delivery nurse. I went to her for everything from medical advice to emotional support. And I will brag that I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. Some of my closest friends came by just to sit with me after a miscarriage or take me to target to get out of the house.
Now I know that I am truly fortunate and blessed to have such amazing support, but sometimes I still felt like I needed a community of people who were walking an infertility journey of their own and a community where I could let all my walls down. I began searching online for support groups. I went to one support group for infant and pregnancy loss at the hospital where my OBGYN practiced. And let me tell you, it was a heavy two hours of my life. The women and couples in the group had lost their babies at 1 day to 4 weeks old. They were some of the strongest people I had ever encountered. I cried for them and for myself, but left feeling like it wasn’t the best place for me to find and give support.
Luckily, a couple months later I saw a tweet from a local news station about an annual conference hosted by the Kansas City Infertility Awareness Foundation (KCIA). In April 2016 I attended the conference and began sporadically attending the monthly support group meetings. At first, the support group meetings were hard for me – I left feeling so sad for all the women and couples who were dealing with infertility and I had wanted to gain hope from these meetings. But after taking breaks and then committing to attending regular meetings, I began developing friendships with some of those in the group and wanted to know how they were doing each month. After helping with the 2017 KCIA conference and then attending support groups this summer, I am excited to be a part of this local organization to help make a difference for others going through infertility or miscarriage. I found that attending the monthly support group meetings and becoming more involved gave me a place where I could share my struggles with those who knew exactly how I felt.
Finding support can be challenging and can take strength. It took me a while to put myself out there enough to attend support groups. I didn’t really want to meet strangers but I didn’t want to feel so alone anymore. So if you, or someone you know, is silently going through infertility or miscarriage, please share these great resources with them. Below is a list of local, national and international infertility resources that I have found to be helpful. Many provide ways to find or start a support group in your area:
- Resolve – the National Infertility Association support groups
- Kansas City Infertility Awareness Foundation
- Lullaby of Hope: a Kansas City non-profit that provides gift boxes for women going through infertility, pregnancy or infant loss (I ordered myself my own gift box after miscarriage #4 and it came with a personalized note from the founder. I texted her right away and thanked her for this organization; she responded instantly! I love how this organization helps those in need.)
- Waiting for Baby Bird blog/support groups: I follow this blog on Facebook and Instagram, and I just love it. The author provides articles, quotes, passages and hope almost daily. And she is reachable! I’ve messaged her on Facebook numerous times for advice and support, and she always writes back. She is starting support groups across the country as well.
- Miscarriage Association: though this organization is located in the UK, the website and twitter are extremely helpful resources and support.
- Ask your OBGYN or RE for support groups through their hospital – most places provide these free services. Some REs may work with local support groups and can provide their patients with meeting and resource information.
The more I’ve started sharing my story and talking about our losses, the more I am finding out how many people are effected by infertility.
I am not alone. You are not alone. You are strong and supported and loved. We will press on together.
Pressing On 